Tramps– If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…Say it Anyway

Jump Jump

When I was in elementary school my babysitter asked my parents to sign a waiver that said if I fell off the trampoline and died they wouldn’t be liable. My parents didn’t sign it (wamp wamp) and I wasn’t allowed to jump with the other kids. Since then, trampolines have had a mysterious hold on me. I love them, but I’m terrified of them. Make sense? Oh well. Fast forward 20 years (yuck) and enter SKY ZONE.

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Margaret (you may remember her from posts such as Girlfriends with Great Apartments and Exhale) and I decided to switch-up our typical exercise routine and add in SkyFITNESS. According to their website, it’s a mix of “calisthenics, core exercises and strength building aerobics, all done on patented, all-trampoline, walled playing courts.” The website also promised that we would burn 1,000 calories per hour. Woah. Too good to be true? YOU BETCHA.

Picture in your minds an early 90’s roller-skate rink (you know exactly what I’m talking about – don’t deny it) but replace the skate circle with a ton of trampolines, all connected to form one massive tramp surface. Leave in the scary and overpriced snack bar, loud arcade games and very disturbing smell tho – because those were definitely present. This is SkyZone.

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The class was taught by a very muscular instructor who was outwardly sad his fitness career had led him to the Sky Zone in Roswell. His little helpers, four infuriating, immature high school PUNKS who ran around showing off their sweet tramp skills, interrupting class and just generally making my blood boil, were also along for the ride. The first 2 minutes of class were great. Marg and I just hopped about on our designated tramp area and chatted while starting our calorie burn. Sounds great, right? It quickly went downhill from there. Next, we did some awkward stretching which didn’t seem to accomplish much. Following the stretchfest we lined up at the wall in four groups and either ran or hopped (one-by-one) from one side of the sea of tramps to the other while people watched and waited for their turn.

IT.WAS.BAD. It felt like a very, VERY, low budget version of The Biggest Loser on the first day when everyone is clapping and encouraging each other as they fail miserably at the exercises and look like total boneheads. My self-respect took several blows to the head during this time.

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After that torture was over we did a series of six different kinds of push-ups, demonstrated by the annoying high school boys of course, that hurt my joints and my pride more than my muscles. Then, to our shock and dismay, we were back in our groups running from side to side one final time. Finally, the workout was over. Combined Margaret and I probably burned 300 calories. And that’s being generous.

HOWEVER – all was not lost. Once the class was over we hopped on the tramps for a good 20 minutes while gossiping and rehashing the horror we just witnessed and participated in. Just delightful. Then we went across the street to the Frontgate and Ballard outlets for a little retail therapy and to shake the SkyZone stink off of ourselves. I bought a great rug that was 75% off. Hooray! Successful day.

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I’m honestly having Nam-style flashbacks of our time at Sky Zone and need to go lie down. Or drink vodka. Thanks for reading.


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